The Police

Not the band, the actual police.

I took a break from the dishes, put on an old favorite and twisted up a spliff. I was just getting to the end of it, groovin' to the tunes when

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody wanted in. My first thought was Gordie, but the timing was all wrong. My curiousity was piqued...

"hello?"

i fumbled to find the "listen" button.

"it's the police. can we talk to you for a minute, please?"

the what now? what the fuck? the police? what do they want? what did i do? is the joint still burning? holy fuck are my eyes red!? jesus, i can taste the pot smell on my breath. fuck! fuck!! the police!?!?!? what? i have to get up there!

i jog-trot up the stairs in my flip flops and gingham apron. it is indeed, the police standing in the entry. i open the door.

"uh, hi" i say petrified directly hoping they can smell coffee more than weed and that they can't hear my heart thumping in my throat.

"do you know the people in number three?" they ask police-like.

"not at all." the blood rushes back into my brain, whew they're not after me at all.

"can you let us into the building please. we just got a call from Houston, Texas to check on somebody."

i open the door and let them in. i'm sure they know i'm high as a kite and we are all glancing around the house. eyes darting.

"are all the units occupied?"

"yes, as far as i know." I'm trying to sound helpful and concerned.

We walk towards number three after i point them in the right direction.

"And you are number one? That's downstairs?"

"yup, that's right"

They send me back down underground and ask if the super is in the building. I point to his door across the hall. They thank me for my help. As I round the corner at the bottom of the steps, I can hear them KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!!!!! on number 3.

Talk about a buzz killer. Skittish.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

I'm missing a good show tonight because, in all honesty, I don't think I can handle it. I want to go, but i don't trust myself quite yet. Last time I saw him play I unexpectedly burst into tears. I wasn't sad, I was mostly just surprised by my own reaction. It came from deep. Like a sucker punch to the gut. Some buttons got pushed that were long forgotten. Conditioned Response.

I spent some time with the idea of going tonight. It made me feel sketchy. I just want to hear some good music, and i don't want anybody to think anything else. I hate that I don't think i'd be okay if that's what I chose to do. I can't fully explain it. This whole topic is way past the point of carrying much emotion for me. It's dead skin, ground into the rug, washing down the drain. But I know it's not so far below the surface, I guess. I don't want to be surprised again.

I'm not resentful or hateful or bitter, i can't even relate to that but I would have a hard time holding my head up high in that room... and just a little bit sad. I understand tenses better now, and chapters. I am resigned to the past and history. I feel out of place in that context today. Awkward. Foolish, a little. Not ready.

Bummer though, because it would be a great way to cap the weekend. Sunday night Serenade.

Rapture

Rock God
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

There's always the chance of missing a show like the one last night at the Seahorse, on the nights when you opt to stay in. Let that be a lesson to all of us.

The bar was crammed beyond capacity and there was a hum from more than the PA system, if you catch my drift.

We snaked our way around the bar and sidled up stageside right as the first chord resonated.

It didn't take long to get to a spot that was within five feet of 'Tis Himself.

Pure, raw, rock and roll energy. That's what happened for the next hour or so. The band was tight and fiery, the crowd was unsatiable; everybody was putting out.

I have a bunch of photos up on flickr, courtesy of this halifax locals poster.

"He's a girl-band," I said to a blase scenestar after the show. Mo had essentially said the same thing when we arrived. All I know is that i really did want to throw my undergarments up there, and I felt like a tiger cat in heat when Joel went nuts on the mic and then said "now i'm gonna play some guitar for you".

Been a long time since I rock and rolled.

Oh Baby!

Impress Me Much

I had a party a couple of weeks ago, whatever.

I think my favorite part of the night was not actually the Flaming Puke, but the few minutes that i was in the velvet underground with some various people including the members of the band Janus.
Janus is a local Halifax band that plays now & then. My co-worker Dan is in the band. These guys are in their early 20's. I have never seen them play, and I probably never will, because their music is not really my thing. But I totally dig that they are all in a band.

So we're hanging out and people are chatting and the tunes are spinning on the hi-fi-wi-fi. It's the Hermit. One of the band guys looks up from where he is rolling a joint on the sofa and says "hey, that's really good!", pointing at the speakers. I smiled a little, like a proud mama.

Next song comes on. It's the Emergency. Same guy again gets psyched about the tunes. Nobody was paying attention to him, not even his buddies, but I was so satisfied in that moment - I love picking out party music, and I love it when people get turned on to new music, and when that new music happens to be just a dude who lives across the harbour and that music has happened to have a major impact on my life...well, I just can't describe how awesome that all is.

I was really proud that Joely stood up and stood out at the party, and really proud that even though that guy's band isn't really my thing, he sure knows how to recognize one hell of a riff. There's hope for all of us.

Don't Cry For Me, Argentina

If he's just not that into you, and you pretend that you can deal with that, it's no good for people to offer up the same old lame old excuses as to why he hasn't called. I said from the get-go that I didn't think he was that into me, and believe me, I wish more than anything that I was wrong.

But maybe he really was too busy getting ready for a trip?

I've given my phone number out to strangers twice. Neither time has worked.

But who were those unidentified callers, anyway. Why didn't they leave a message?

I don't know how you're supposed to tell whether you're into a complete stranger or not, anyway. Oh yeah, you're supposed to go out for a drink with them.

Damn.

Restless

Well, since my return to the urban landscape, i have barely paused for breath.

Now that I have a chance to do so, I am restless.

Figures.

Solid Like A Rock

I dreamt about my massage therapist last night.
I need him!!!

"Love And Theft"

It has been a long time since I spun this one. Funny, the first time I heard it was on a grey and sticky afternoon much like this one. The fog is so thick that you can't even spy the land.

Swampy.

Definitely a highlight of Bob's career, and of mine.

Country in the Girl

I am back from the cottage.
Neighborhood Hottie did not call. As previously mentioned, we shall not speak of this again.

The cottage.
I always forget that the cottage always leaves me feeling strange. Or rather, I always leave the cottage feeling strange. For a million reasons.

The short version is that it was fabulous to get out of the city for a few days. The country is SO QUIET. The stars come down to the ground and there are millions of them. The milky way is within arm's reach. It was great to see Maury and my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and great uncle. We ate many great meals including fresh raspberries and enjoyed many fine libations including Bombay gin and some kinda fancy assed bourbon. We played board games and barbequed. We told ghost stories and freaked ourselves out. We had coffee on the beach one morning, we soaked up rays one afternoon. We had water fights in the pool. My cousin & I went whale watching on a Zodiac. It was awesome in the truest sense of the word. I love watching whales.

I've got a brain full of mumbo jumbo but am too exhausted to form a thought. A long day of studying for a midterm awaits me with the sunrise.

I wonder if it will be strange not to be woken by the birds.

Eye Candy

Johnny Depp
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

there are no words...

Props / Failing School Again

I am hopeless, i have an assignment due in 1 hour 45 minutes that is way less than half done and i don't even care. I am so un-motivated in this class.

Anyway, I'd like to thank all my pals for their really overwhelming enthusiasm about the fact that i gave NH my phone number. (I have to continue to refer to him as neighborhood hottie because even though i asked him what his name was, and he told me, well.... i have no idea what he actually said. So it's a toss-up between Macklamahamlah and Neighborhood Hottie. I'm sticking with the latter for now).

Anyway you'd think i had negotiated world peace with all the accolades I have received in the past few hours. All I did was give a complete stranger my number. I didn't do it in a classy, smooth or sexy way. I did it in a typical spastic, adrenaline rush, no-time-to-think way.

I have to tell you all something: i'm pretty sure he's not going to call. I swear i am not just saying that to set myself up for an easy let down. I actually don't think he was that into the idea of going out for a beer. However, since i had him totally on the spot and cornered in front of a mutual friend, he had little choice but to take the number.

I'm leaving town in 4 hours (please, hurry up and get here, 8:30) and if there is no call from NH by the time I am back in residence at the velvet underground, then we shall not speak of him again.

Have a grand weekend, peeps.

Too Late to Stop Now

I gave neighborhood hottie my phone number about an hour ago.

Tomorrow I am leaving town for 4 or 5 days.

Heart beating in throat.

Nerves

3:47pm
I'm no stranger to heartbreak. Since I am an emotional gal to begin with, my heart usually gets tangled up in the day to day even when I am trying to guard it.

My job is starting to get to me. I don't want it to. I have always enjoyed going to work, it's usually a fun time, the people I work with are cool, it's nice to see the regulars. But lately, work really upsets me. Customers are so rude. It requires a lot of energy to stand in one spot for 5-7 hours and be nice to 150 different people. It only takes one jackass to ruin an otherwise ok day. It's disheartening that the nice, friendly, funny people are the anomaly rather than the rule. I'm finding it harder and harder to put on a happy face. I find myself becoming an uninspired, blank faced robot. The pay-off doesn't seem worth the investment most times. When a pleasant customer comes through, it is a 60 second or so ray of light in an otherwise depressing place to be.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this.

Workplace anxiety is increased by this fucking psycho who won't leave me alone. I met her a few months ago, i don't remember how, but she is crazy and she drives me crazy and my day at work is completely destroyed when she shows up, because i have to spend the rest of my shift trying to think of creative ways to blow her off. Not responding to her emails or phone calls has not seemed to deter her in the least. Telling her i am absorbed in my own life and didn't really have space to deal with her life didn't seem to phase her at all. Today she was complaining because she had to go to a meeting for 2 hours. I said "good, that means you'll leave me alone". I hope she gets that hint because the next one is going to be a lot less sugar coated. hahaha.

Her behaviour towards me, which is impossible to explain or to convey exactly how much i hate her very presence, reminds me way too much of some behaviours i am guilty of myself. She makes me ashamed of my past. Because I can recall when certain not-so-subtle clues were given to me by the object of my affection and i ignored them. I was so sure that i was connected to that person, and that the connection was mutual, that i just kept on banging my head against the wall until he caved and spent a few hours by my side. I know now that the real reason he gave me those hours is because i plied him with the things he deemed essential for survival at the time: booze, drugs, music, sympathy, sex. I am embarrassed about the way i kept on clinging despite all evidence that i should drop it. Humiliated would be a good word, actually. Ashamed definitely hits home.

Maybe that is why this particular girl makes my skin crawl so much; she reminds me of myself. Myself in a younger, heady, confused state of mind. I want no part of a situation like that again - not from either perspective.

I feel like my nerves are on the outside of my skin these days. I get lost in tiny snapshots and sappy moments that bring tears to my eyes on an otherwise beautiful day.

I'm a terrible flirt. Not as in I flirt shamelessly all the time, but as in i suck at flirting. I am so desperate (I hate that word and am using in on purpose) to come across as appealing to the opposite sex, that I usually just end up acting like somebody out on a day pass who speaks in tongues and stumbles over shadows. I'm so clumsy & self conscious.

Neighborhood Hottie was at the Trident this afternoon when I was walking home from work. Usually, I confess, I am on the semi-lookout for him. Today, suffering from a wee case of the blues, I had my head down and was trying to hold it together until I got to the sanctity of home. I couldn't help but notice those lanky legs stretched out at the sidewalk table, even though my glasses have been misplaced for a few days now. I stopped, and squinted directly at him from across the street... very classy. "wassup" was my irresistable opener, followed by some garbled mumbo-jumbo concerning my bad vision. "I knew it was you" he said. I wished he meant it in a different way. I wished I had the werewithall to cross the street and introduce myself. Instead I tripped over my tongue kept heading down the street. As soon as I got home, I knew I had to go back. So I changed my clothes and I went back. He was walking down the street away from me with his posse. Another typical missed opportunity.

My modem is so fucked, I can't even get online at all right now. My speakers don't work out of either computer. I smoke, and hate myself with every drag.

I so badly want to skip class tonight, but I am going. It is going to be a long one, I think. I don't know if my feeble brain is up for it tonight. I'm a little shakey.

10:05pm
I went to class, but left at the first break a little over an hour into it. I literally could NOT stay awake. I am now finishing up my second vodka mudshake (gotta love party leftovers) and getting ready to call it a night.

I am counting down until it's time to go to Sandy Cove. I can't wait to spend a few days with my folks.

When I used to go out, I'd know everyone I saw
Now i go out alone, if i go out at all

(the walkmen)

There's a Reason That I Love This Town

Hey, the Atlantic Film Festival's alFresco Film Festo has an awesome lineup for this summer.

ET, Indiana Jones, Jaws, The Blues Brothers & a John Hughes movie voted on by us, the viewers!!

Alanis, Help Me

I was walking down Kent St. towards Barrington, heading for the ASS. Neighborhood Hottie was heading south on Barrington. If I had been even 20 seconds earlier, we would have intersected. But as it was he was 100 ft ahead of me by the time i got to Barrington. I had hoped he was also going shopping, but no. He did turn around and see me, but he did not come running into my arms.

I don't know whether to take it as a good sign that i saw him (fate is showing me he is RIGHT THERE), or a bad sign that the timing was off by this much.

After all, it's all in the timing, right?

High Gear

At long last I am back in Hali, and have hit the ground running. Have spent the past couple of days dealing with Dal, and banks, and student loan people.... shopping for a laptop online... spending my house sitting payment of (hold your breath) a $40 chapters gift certificate on a book. I will not address here just how bitter I am at the house sitting situation. Suffice it to say that I lost money on that venture, which is a big reason that i will never house sit for anybody, ever again.

Have been listening to The Velvet Underground a lot for the past few days and loving it. Don't forget the party happening this saturday here at the velvet underground redux.

I think neighborhood hottie must have been freaked out at our grade nine antics at the ASS, and i'm guessing he now shops at sobey's since i haven't seen him in a week.

Rosie O'Donnell's cruise ship is in port today; maybe she will help my co-worker come to terms with her sexuality, and then said co-worker will stop harrassing all the straight pretty girls at work.

Ate some fresh peaches & strawberries yesterday with whipped cream from a can. Yum. Sidenote: if you buy whipped cream in a can, the cashiers all assume you are having crazy monkey sex. No exceptions. 80% of the time, we're probably right, too. Unfortunately, in my case, i was just buying it to eat.

I am freaking out mildly about money, which is pointless since I don't have any. So I will just keep scrounging for debt from any possible source and deal with the future when it gets here.

Now I am going to go for a little walk down the street and see what's shakin' around the hood.

Horror

"people die in bed too, but that doesn't stop them from getting between the sheets"

I despise the notion that we have the right to live a life free of risk.
That's just bullshit.

You will not be able to anticipate the terrorists. That's the whole point of terrorism. It's random and unexpected. Crafty little buggers, those terrorists.

So to Primesident Blush* (*nickname courtesy of Jon Stewart - The Daily Show):

No matter how bad you want to, you CANNOT control everything that is happening everywhere at every time. You just can't. It's impossible. Here's a little secret boys: the key to stopping terrorism is to

STOP MAKING PEOPLE WANT TO TERRORIZE YOU.

It's Out There

He knows it's me. Butterflies in my stomach doing overtime.

Last night I went to see Land of the Dead. It was much better than I was expecting. Zombie movies are not my thing. It rated low on the scary scale and relatively astute in many other ways. The humour & social commentary were both a pleasant surprise.

God bless the GST cheque.

The Centaur

I don't know when cynical became the new cool, but I love Buck 65's new album.

The Men Who Will Not Be My Husband

Daylight,for some reason, always seems to carry some peace with it.

In yet another grade nine moment, Heather sussed out neighborhood hottie and found out he is single and "definitely on the market". She told him she was asking on behalf of a cashier. He wanted to know which one. She wouldn't tell him. I am thrilled to hear that he's single, but still have no idea how to bridge the gap and end up having a beer with him somewhere. And what if he finds out the cashier is me and suddenly he's not so on the market anymore?

Oh my. Somewhere in the world people are going out on dates like normal people while I cut a swath through a field of crushes and sleep alone unless my cousin is in town.

Well, happy Canada Day, Canada. Yippee. I'll be heading deeper into suburbia in a couple of hours to have finger food with some smug marrieds. It's Ellen's first July 1st as a Canadian Citizen, and I am proud of her!

I think the rest of this holiday will be spent on the sofa with People magazine and the remote control. I am wiped. Long day tomorrow.

I sleep well here, but I miss my house.

Release The Hounds

Lucky has made it home, 3:03 am. She smells like fish and is very hyper. I still have no idea how she got off her leash. I think she wants to go for a walk now. I am giving her the cold shoulder.

I am not sure about the party anymore. I'm not in a party mood and I don't think I'll be ready to have a party. Maybe a couple of good nights of sleeping will cure my of my anti-party cranks.

I start school on Tuesday night. I was also scheduled to work Tuesday night. Fortunately I found somebody who was willing to switch. I came home after work tonight and wrote out my schedule & budget for next week. The conclusion is that I have no time or money.

I haven't bought weed in a week, according to Reg. My plan is working. School will only further reduce the time available for bad habits (and sattellite tv). I'm looking forward to it.

Today was a very shitty day. Started off ok, and generally deteriorated throughout the afternoon. This was a major drag after the high of my $127 VLT win last night.

I am always rushing things. Impatient. I've only realized in the past few weeks how much work I have been doing. Improving your existence is not a simple thing to do. I thought I had it all figured out, and boy was I wrong. It seems a little freaky that the better I feel about myself, the more I seem to alienate those around me.

Cath wants me to house-sit in August. Further to my last entry, I'm not going to do it. I've been trying to transform my living space since January. I need to have it done before September. It is the only thing that matters to me. It's way more than having a clean house... but I don't feel like explaining all the reasons why.

I know I am a difficult person sometimes. I know I can be selfish and demanding. But I try very hard to be a kind, good, loving person. I try to be there for people when they need me. I am trying to figure out how to balance all the things that make up my life and arrange them in a way that doesn't make me insane.

I do want to make something very clear though. I had a nervous breakdown last year. I am not saying that to be melodramatic. I've had lots of meltdowns. Last year I really lost it. Scary. I wasn't sure that i was that interested in participating in the world. I was curled up on my bed, pulling at my hair, rocking back and forth. I looked at my tear stained face in the mirror and the only thought that occurred to me was to put my fist through the glass and watch the image shatter. I didn't do that, because I knew it was insane. But I am telling you, I made a very difficult and very conscious choice during those dark and terrifying hours that I was not going to be insane. I decided to buck up and get it together and stop freaking out all the time. That decision came despite the fact that I was sure the only thing that could snap me back to reality was a trip across the harbour, a straightjacket and an IV drip. I probably would have called 911 if I hadn't been so full of dope and too embarrassed to admit that to the paramedics.

Instead I called the head doctor, who put me on pills. That doctor drove me mad and irritated the fuck out of me, but she did her job very well and made me examine some harsh realities, swallow some bitter pills (aside from the prescribed kind) and own up to some pretty bad habits beyond smoking.

I had to stay on the pills for a minimum of 9 months. I finished taking them last week, making the total "course of treatment" a little over 12 months. I have not noticed a huge difference - I was always skeptical of their effect (although the fact that i am here to write these words may prove their efficacy).

Over the past year, I have made a lot of minute changes in my life. Things that may seem inane to the casual observer, but are nothing short of monumental to me. I bought some oven mits. I painted some walls. I told some people the truth about some stuff. I admitted some failures. I shouldered some blame. I learned some lessons. The ground is still shakey sometimes; I haven't quite left the fitting room - I'm still making alterations.

My trials & tribulations are no more traumatic or significant than anyone's. I know that. I just want to try to explain where I am coming from. Lots of people have to deal with things a lot worse than depression and anxiety (or consequences of their own ridiculous choices).

I whine a lot on here about people clawing at my time & space. I guess I am just realizing that I'm still trying to define my time & space. I have made some comments this week that have offended people I love. This is unintentional but sad. And I am all over the map about it.

I'm all over the map about a lot, it seems. It's late, it's been a horrendously long day, and I am going to hit the hay with the hopes that tomorrow will be an improvement.

I feel strong, which has been foreign to me for a long time. I really really hope that me feeling good doesn't have to mean that other people are feeling bad.

THE FUCKING DOG IS GONE

Yes, somehow she got off her leash.
It is 2:34 am.
She is a black dog.

I am fucked.

Do not ever ask me to house sit for you. I will not do it.

FUCKED.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
FUCK FUCK.